Archived Post
09-22-2009, 05:48 PM
Mr. Eternal Limited Series (Issue #1)
People call me Mr. Eternal. And right now I am falling off of a twenty story 'scraper in the middle of downtown Millennium City. I am also really wishing this sort of thing happened to me less often. But lucky me, I can experience this wonderfully fun activity more than once! Why? Well because I'm immortal. Its all in the name.
Still I can't say I enjoy the experience of slamming into a parked car at terminal velocity. Not that it hurts much actually, a great thing about the human body is its ability to dull pain from horrific and traumatizing injuries. Like being stepped on by Grond. Or getting a VIPER cruise missile rocketing up for an explosive 'Hello'. Or getting blown off the roof of a skyscraper by one of those weird Gadroon weapons. I mean not everyone can be like Ironclad or Defender and cleverly deflect comets with their mighty pecs. Not all of us can bench press tanks and break the sound barrier on our morning jog. What? No, Im not bitter. What gave you that idea?
Anyways, all I can think of as I stare up from the man-shaped crater I just made in some poor saps car is how glad I am its not raining. As well as how glad I am I didn't land in the middle of a bunch of Cobra Lords. Yeah...that sucks. But no, lucky me. It's just me and Mister Toad today with a dramatic reinterpretation of "The Wind in the Willows". And here he comes now, flying down to gloat while I try to get my spine back into one piece. I honestly don't want to get up. Really, once you get used to it the big chunks of razor sharp metal is quite comfortable compared to being tossed around by some frog-faced alien.
So yeah right now I'm just lying here with my body quietly putting itself back together when the guy floating in the air above me starts sputing something in that language of his. Seriously, it sounds like a dying bullfrog with the flu. I sigh.
"You know, if your going to monologue over me maybe you should make sure you're translater is on?"
Idiot.
The Gadroon looks down at me with what I assume to be disgust. Its hard to tell through the warts you know, before touching something on his armor and speaking again.
"Your primitive and crude language fills me with revulsion human. If you monkeys are enslaved instead of exterminated like the pests you are you will have to receive discipline in real speech. And I doubt it will be long for that, if you are typical of what you monkeys call "heroes". The meanest grunt of the Gadroon Empire has more power than you. And more heroic courage too. Why..."
And he goes on and on and on. For someone who hates our language so much he sure likes to hear himself talk. Unfortunately for me, I'm a captive audience right now.
"...over the insectile Qulaar, whom even you monkeys are having trouble repelling! It would be almost sad if it wasn't so laughable! Why, it reminds me of the Ballad of Urgolck...."
Oh god. Anything but that. Not Gadroon poetry. Not that abomination to the very concept of language! I can't beleive they haven't weaponized it yet! Don't they realize just how horrible it is? Hasn't anyone told them? Well...without getting their arms ripped off by furious Gadroon? I try to look around for some opportunity to do something as the frog-man launches into his sustained soliloquy. Back into his own language too. Something about 'Crude monkey languages cannot convey the true depth of feeling and passion'.
Struggling to keep my sanity I slip Spell-Breaker, the golden magical chain I use, into my hand and snake it along the ground. Up the buiding behind the Gadroon. And just when I think I am about to loose my mind under the horrific onslaught of the poem, Spell-breaker strikes out. It wraps itself around one of the Gadroon's atrophied legs and slams the alien to the street before wrapping around it.
Breathing a true sigh of relief I pick myself out of the car, dusting myself off. I pull out a card with the city's Heroism Insurance Fund information on it (Best piece of equipment the city has ever given me, hands down.) and put it under the windshield wiper before heading over to the stunned and dizzy looking alien.
"Your treacherous tactics are like that of the foul Hreckliq in the Ode to..."
Quickly I motion with one hand and Spell-breaker further wraps itself around the Gadroon's mouth. "Sorry, you're speaking priveleges are revoked. Lets go see if the Champions will let you have them back."
It spits and gurgles something at me through the chain bridling it. I pat the alien's head and smile warmly as I walk past. "Don't do that too much. I'm going to need you to clean Spell-breaker after this is through. Might as well not make too much work for yourself."
I pick up the other end of the chain and start dragging the hapless alien down the street towards the Champion's Building, muttering under my breath. "God I hate fighting Gadroon..."
-------------------------
Collectible Hero Card: Mr. Eternal
(Side #1)
Vital Stats:
Name: Mr. Eternal
Real Identity: Unknown
Height: 6' 0"
Age: Unknown
Super-powers: Immortality, Spell-Breaker (Magic Chain)
People call me Mr. Eternal. And right now I am falling off of a twenty story 'scraper in the middle of downtown Millennium City. I am also really wishing this sort of thing happened to me less often. But lucky me, I can experience this wonderfully fun activity more than once! Why? Well because I'm immortal. Its all in the name.
Still I can't say I enjoy the experience of slamming into a parked car at terminal velocity. Not that it hurts much actually, a great thing about the human body is its ability to dull pain from horrific and traumatizing injuries. Like being stepped on by Grond. Or getting a VIPER cruise missile rocketing up for an explosive 'Hello'. Or getting blown off the roof of a skyscraper by one of those weird Gadroon weapons. I mean not everyone can be like Ironclad or Defender and cleverly deflect comets with their mighty pecs. Not all of us can bench press tanks and break the sound barrier on our morning jog. What? No, Im not bitter. What gave you that idea?
Anyways, all I can think of as I stare up from the man-shaped crater I just made in some poor saps car is how glad I am its not raining. As well as how glad I am I didn't land in the middle of a bunch of Cobra Lords. Yeah...that sucks. But no, lucky me. It's just me and Mister Toad today with a dramatic reinterpretation of "The Wind in the Willows". And here he comes now, flying down to gloat while I try to get my spine back into one piece. I honestly don't want to get up. Really, once you get used to it the big chunks of razor sharp metal is quite comfortable compared to being tossed around by some frog-faced alien.
So yeah right now I'm just lying here with my body quietly putting itself back together when the guy floating in the air above me starts sputing something in that language of his. Seriously, it sounds like a dying bullfrog with the flu. I sigh.
"You know, if your going to monologue over me maybe you should make sure you're translater is on?"
Idiot.
The Gadroon looks down at me with what I assume to be disgust. Its hard to tell through the warts you know, before touching something on his armor and speaking again.
"Your primitive and crude language fills me with revulsion human. If you monkeys are enslaved instead of exterminated like the pests you are you will have to receive discipline in real speech. And I doubt it will be long for that, if you are typical of what you monkeys call "heroes". The meanest grunt of the Gadroon Empire has more power than you. And more heroic courage too. Why..."
And he goes on and on and on. For someone who hates our language so much he sure likes to hear himself talk. Unfortunately for me, I'm a captive audience right now.
"...over the insectile Qulaar, whom even you monkeys are having trouble repelling! It would be almost sad if it wasn't so laughable! Why, it reminds me of the Ballad of Urgolck...."
Oh god. Anything but that. Not Gadroon poetry. Not that abomination to the very concept of language! I can't beleive they haven't weaponized it yet! Don't they realize just how horrible it is? Hasn't anyone told them? Well...without getting their arms ripped off by furious Gadroon? I try to look around for some opportunity to do something as the frog-man launches into his sustained soliloquy. Back into his own language too. Something about 'Crude monkey languages cannot convey the true depth of feeling and passion'.
Struggling to keep my sanity I slip Spell-Breaker, the golden magical chain I use, into my hand and snake it along the ground. Up the buiding behind the Gadroon. And just when I think I am about to loose my mind under the horrific onslaught of the poem, Spell-breaker strikes out. It wraps itself around one of the Gadroon's atrophied legs and slams the alien to the street before wrapping around it.
Breathing a true sigh of relief I pick myself out of the car, dusting myself off. I pull out a card with the city's Heroism Insurance Fund information on it (Best piece of equipment the city has ever given me, hands down.) and put it under the windshield wiper before heading over to the stunned and dizzy looking alien.
"Your treacherous tactics are like that of the foul Hreckliq in the Ode to..."
Quickly I motion with one hand and Spell-breaker further wraps itself around the Gadroon's mouth. "Sorry, you're speaking priveleges are revoked. Lets go see if the Champions will let you have them back."
It spits and gurgles something at me through the chain bridling it. I pat the alien's head and smile warmly as I walk past. "Don't do that too much. I'm going to need you to clean Spell-breaker after this is through. Might as well not make too much work for yourself."
I pick up the other end of the chain and start dragging the hapless alien down the street towards the Champion's Building, muttering under my breath. "God I hate fighting Gadroon..."
-------------------------
Collectible Hero Card: Mr. Eternal
(Side #1)
Vital Stats:
Name: Mr. Eternal
Real Identity: Unknown
Height: 6' 0"
Age: Unknown
Super-powers: Immortality, Spell-Breaker (Magic Chain)