Archived Post
08-30-2009, 10:16 AM
(Be intentive readers and give ANY criticism, bad or good, promote writing)
The Origin, life, and Catalog of Patches, the Super Hobo.
Bill was just doing his everyday life, rooting threw dumpsters, complaining about aliens stealing his marbles. But then Bill, a ruthless hobo who needed a new eye to replace the one he lost during a war in hot deserts of Antartica, found out that Bill was a perfect DNA match for him.
He schemed and hatched a truly twisted and deviously evil plan to steal HIS OWN EYE. So one night when Bill was in his sleep, Bill seized his chance to steal Bill's right eye. And so Bill took it and put it in his right eye.
When bill woke up, he noticed he had an eye missing. Bill knew only one hobo could do such a terribly crazy act of insanity.
From that day forth, Bill became Patches, vowed to root out the ones responsible for that weird night, and take his revenge upon Bill for ruining his life.
His Signature Catch Phrases:
"There is a new Champion in town, and hes been telling me not to sleep here."
"I'll fight for whats right, and half a hotdog."
"I'd like for you to meet two friends of mine; my 40 ouncer, and my 40. Caliber!"
"When the odds are against you, don't worry, you got me, myself and the 5 other people in my head."
"Stop right there! can you spare a dollar?"
"Criminals will think twice about hiding in dumpsters."
"Its all in the days wor... oh yea..."
(Mighty Pencil helped me with this one here)
"When the odds are against you; You have me, and me, and me, and me, and-"
Story one, Patches versus The Dirty Dasterd:
The asphalt was damp, cold, and hard that night. Bill can't seem to get any sleep and blamed it on the sounds of the city. Its ever whistling, buzzing, hissing, like a bee hive sucked in a Vacuum cleaner, maybe 2 hives in one of those dust busters. So he leaned over and said "shush" directed at the city, but normally the rest of the world would flip him off and throw fast food stuffs at him. Jokes on them, free food is free food. Bill rolled back over and curled up getting ready for the dreams of a better life; full of picnic baskets, scaring off campers and exchange puns and anecdotes with the forest law enforcement.
When suddenly he was picked up and thrown threw layers of garbage, chain link fences and a wall or two. Before Bill could react he was in street traffic with cars honking and swerving past him. A semi was heading straight for him, was blasting his horn for him to move.
Bill looked up and said "Honk Honk! that means time to fly." Bill moved into a squat position and with his hands, flipped the semi up in the air, trailer and all, caught it and then placed it neatly back down. He then approached the driver side window and told him "It's a common misunderstanding, people mistake me for a lawyer all the time."
The truck driver shook off the recent experience, looked at Bill then gasped, pointed and moved his arms to block his face.
Bill, confused, was then blind sided by a incredibly fast moving lamp post. Bill wiped his cheek and turned to see the Deviously Diabolical, The Dirty Dasterd.
He laughed triumphantly "HAHAHAHAHA, lights out Patchy!" and swung again
Bill grabbed it before it could land, said "Darkness is where I trip over worse garbage than you!", then took the lamppost from The Dirty Dasterd's hands and bent it to form an under case "P".
The Dirty Dasterd chuckled and booted Bill into a super market wall.
Bill smirked and pointed at the Dirty Dasterd and yelled "I know your true weakness Dirty Dasterd..."
The Dirty Dasterd stunned and replied "No one knows my weakness! not even the Aliens!"
"That maybe true Dasterd" Bill, nonchalant, "But even with their mind control technologies, they don't know how to clean stains like you from societies underbelly. And the best way to do that... IS WITH THE POWER OF CITRUS!" and began to rapidly throw hundreds of oranges at The Dirty Dasterd.
"NOOOOoooooOOoooOOOoooooO" The Dirty Dasterd yelled as he was being pummeled by a barrage of hard orange fury. He fell to the ground, losing his power and becoming a regular dasterd.
Everyone cheered. Bill waved with a smile and simply laid back down to get some shut eye, to where a store owner came out and said "This is not a motel! go away!"
In loving memory of Billy Mays, may he be cleaning rugs and carpets in heaven
This is but one chronicle of Patches everyday super crazy life. Next time; Patches defending his home from the evil Dr. Waste Disposal. STAY TUNED!
The Origin, life, and Catalog of Patches, the Super Hobo.
Bill was just doing his everyday life, rooting threw dumpsters, complaining about aliens stealing his marbles. But then Bill, a ruthless hobo who needed a new eye to replace the one he lost during a war in hot deserts of Antartica, found out that Bill was a perfect DNA match for him.
He schemed and hatched a truly twisted and deviously evil plan to steal HIS OWN EYE. So one night when Bill was in his sleep, Bill seized his chance to steal Bill's right eye. And so Bill took it and put it in his right eye.
When bill woke up, he noticed he had an eye missing. Bill knew only one hobo could do such a terribly crazy act of insanity.
From that day forth, Bill became Patches, vowed to root out the ones responsible for that weird night, and take his revenge upon Bill for ruining his life.
His Signature Catch Phrases:
"There is a new Champion in town, and hes been telling me not to sleep here."
"I'll fight for whats right, and half a hotdog."
"I'd like for you to meet two friends of mine; my 40 ouncer, and my 40. Caliber!"
"When the odds are against you, don't worry, you got me, myself and the 5 other people in my head."
"Stop right there! can you spare a dollar?"
"Criminals will think twice about hiding in dumpsters."
"Its all in the days wor... oh yea..."
(Mighty Pencil helped me with this one here)
"When the odds are against you; You have me, and me, and me, and me, and-"
Story one, Patches versus The Dirty Dasterd:
The asphalt was damp, cold, and hard that night. Bill can't seem to get any sleep and blamed it on the sounds of the city. Its ever whistling, buzzing, hissing, like a bee hive sucked in a Vacuum cleaner, maybe 2 hives in one of those dust busters. So he leaned over and said "shush" directed at the city, but normally the rest of the world would flip him off and throw fast food stuffs at him. Jokes on them, free food is free food. Bill rolled back over and curled up getting ready for the dreams of a better life; full of picnic baskets, scaring off campers and exchange puns and anecdotes with the forest law enforcement.
When suddenly he was picked up and thrown threw layers of garbage, chain link fences and a wall or two. Before Bill could react he was in street traffic with cars honking and swerving past him. A semi was heading straight for him, was blasting his horn for him to move.
Bill looked up and said "Honk Honk! that means time to fly." Bill moved into a squat position and with his hands, flipped the semi up in the air, trailer and all, caught it and then placed it neatly back down. He then approached the driver side window and told him "It's a common misunderstanding, people mistake me for a lawyer all the time."
The truck driver shook off the recent experience, looked at Bill then gasped, pointed and moved his arms to block his face.
Bill, confused, was then blind sided by a incredibly fast moving lamp post. Bill wiped his cheek and turned to see the Deviously Diabolical, The Dirty Dasterd.
He laughed triumphantly "HAHAHAHAHA, lights out Patchy!" and swung again
Bill grabbed it before it could land, said "Darkness is where I trip over worse garbage than you!", then took the lamppost from The Dirty Dasterd's hands and bent it to form an under case "P".
The Dirty Dasterd chuckled and booted Bill into a super market wall.
Bill smirked and pointed at the Dirty Dasterd and yelled "I know your true weakness Dirty Dasterd..."
The Dirty Dasterd stunned and replied "No one knows my weakness! not even the Aliens!"
"That maybe true Dasterd" Bill, nonchalant, "But even with their mind control technologies, they don't know how to clean stains like you from societies underbelly. And the best way to do that... IS WITH THE POWER OF CITRUS!" and began to rapidly throw hundreds of oranges at The Dirty Dasterd.
"NOOOOoooooOOoooOOOoooooO" The Dirty Dasterd yelled as he was being pummeled by a barrage of hard orange fury. He fell to the ground, losing his power and becoming a regular dasterd.
Everyone cheered. Bill waved with a smile and simply laid back down to get some shut eye, to where a store owner came out and said "This is not a motel! go away!"
In loving memory of Billy Mays, may he be cleaning rugs and carpets in heaven
This is but one chronicle of Patches everyday super crazy life. Next time; Patches defending his home from the evil Dr. Waste Disposal. STAY TUNED!